LifeMarriagerelationshipsHow to Overcome Insecurity in Your Relationship - Love in Ambition

Anyone who says they’ve never felt insecure is lying. We’ve all been there. As a relationship coach, I’ve heard stories from amazing, ambitious women that crush it in their professional lives but feel like fish out of water when it comes to love and romance. Feeling insecure is like sitting on the sidelines of a game that you’re good at playing. Even though you have the skills to do well, fear keeps you stuck on the bench.

Insecurity can feel like it comes out of nowhere, but the root cause is often lurking in your past. Maybe you were lied to, cheated on, or exposed to unhealthy relationships growing up. Perhaps that last heartbreak left you unwilling to trust and always suspicious about what your partner is doing. Sometimes, insecurity just grows from that annoying voice telling you that you aren’t worthy of a healthy relationship, even though you are. Regardless of the root cause, insecurity is fueled by fear, anxiety, or a lack of confidence in relationships.

If you stay in a place of insecurity for too long, it spreads like wildfire threatening to destroy other areas of your life. When I first got married, I dealt poorly with anxiety and fear that my marriage wouldn’t last. Before I knew what was happening, my marriage insecurity morphed into anxiety at work, even though I usually felt confident in my profession. This cycle of insecurity sent me down a path of self-sabotage until I finally woke up and dealt with my fears.

Fortunately, you can quickly pinpoint signs of insecurity when you know what to look for.

To get you started, let’s discuss some common insecure behaviors, as well as techniques for stopping them.
The Worrywart

Anxiety is a nightmare. When you get sucked down a rabbit hole of worry about what is and what might be, your mind plays tricks on you. Your brain manufactures problems about things you have no control over or that are not objectively real. So, what do you do? Well, as the saying goes, “don’t be a worrywart.” You have the power to become the CEO of your thoughts. It’s as easy as 1, 2, 3. When the first anxious thought enters your head, break the pattern by bringing attention to that thought. Investigate it and decide how you want to think instead. If you miss thought 1, you can definitely catch thought 2 and redirect your thinking. Using the easy as 1, 2, 3 approach builds a habit of thought awareness that puts you in control.

Here’s an example: thought 1 is “my relationship is doomed to fail.” Instead of letting this thought linger, you identify it as a thought distortion because you can’t possibly know what the future holds. You can safely let that worry go and focus your attention on the present. If the thought distortion keeps coming back, write about it, talk to a friend, or seek professional help. Those anxious thoughts are prime creators of insecurity, but they follow patterns that you can learn to manage.

Mind Reading

No matter how close you are to another person, you can’t read their mind. You may learn their mannerisms and occasionally guess what they’re thinking, but that’s not the same. The problem with mind-reading is that we often imagine our partner thinking something negative. This perception is a sure-fire way to increase your anxiety level! If your partner says they want to hang out with friends on Saturday night, you can’t become a mind reader and assume that they don’t want to spend time with you. If you need to know something, then ask. Spending time guessing what someone else is thinking is a futile effort. Plus, we all want privacy in our thoughts, and trying to mind read may push that person out of your life.

Dwelling on the Past

Everyone has a past, and sometimes it leaves scars. We move on from painful experiences by taking time to process, heal and slowly move forward. Once you do that and decide to start a new relationship, your new partner shouldn’t suffer for what happened in your former relationships. More importantly, you don’t deserve to miss out on a fantastic new connection because you are focused on the last one that didn’t work.

Suppose your past relationships were dishonest and abusive. If you hold on to that past, you will likely be defensive and guarded. A great way to gain perspective on your present situation is to list negative qualities from the past relationship, alongside a list of positive qualities from your new one. When you compare the two lists, you see how your current situation is nothing like the last one. So don’t sweat it; history is not repeating itself, and you can enjoy your new relationship.

Negative Thinking

Every relationship has pros and cons. Focusing on what’s positive can ease insecurity. When you focus on the negative, it’s easy to develop tunnel vision and forget to notice all the positive things that make your relationship worthwhile. The list of positive qualities from your current relationship can be helpful here as well. You can keep the list on your phone and look at it any time your mind wanders to the negative. Once you recognize that being in a relationship is a fun and exciting part of your life, the challenges don’t seem so bad.

My personal experiences with insecurity taught me that the best cure is perspective. Using the tips above gives you a new perspective on how your feelings differ from reality. The truth is, all you can do is take your relationship one moment at a time. Trust yourself to make the best decisions for you and enjoy the journey that love and connection bring!

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