LifeMarriageWhy Do You Keep Falling for the Wrong Person? - Love in Ambition

Many articles that offer dating tips list common “deadly” mistakes. “Don’t talk about your job, but do talk about your career goals.” “Be interesting … no, be interested. But not too interested.” “Wear your cute heels, but don’t be taller than him.” It’s crazy! You can send your brain into overdrive trying to blame yourself for a date that did not work out.

The real reason you don’t have the love that you deserve isn’t how you acted on a date. It isn’t because you said the wrong thing or that you smiled at the waiter. It isn’t because you texted the person, or forgot to text, after the date.

Here’s the hard truth: you picked someone who would leave you before you even went out on that date. Before you even spoke to this person, your mate selection mechanism was set on heartbreak. Your thoughts are stuck in a pattern of choosing partners that are not right for you. But the good news is, you can retrain your brain to make smart love choices.

Why do we pick the wrong people? There is a subconscious part of our brain that draws us to certain people that trigger a familiar feeling. We think it’s chemistry when the fireworks go off, but what’s actually happening is that you’re attracted to the same drama you say you want to avoid. Why? Because that drama is a pattern you are comfortable with. The drama may even be exciting, until it all goes bad. Most people think they will never have chemistry with someone that is not their “type.” This is not true. Certain elements of attraction are innate–you are who we are. However, attraction is also heavily influenced by how you think. If you don’t take control of your thoughts on your “type” you will subconsciously choose the same heartache every time. You will ignore the obvious red flags, believing that “this relationship” will be different … but nothing changes because you have not changed.

The key to finding true love is to discover the thought patterns that are drawing you to the wrong people and retrain your brain to focus on what you really want. You don’t have to change how you act, your clothes, your weight, or your personality; you need to shift your thoughts. When your thinking changes, the people you meet will change as well. You can have chemistry with someone who wants love and adventure just like you. If you want to get married, there is nothing more attractive than someone that takes commitment seriously.

There are a few ways to change your thinking. In fact, your subconscious mind is giving you clues on how to change because it wants to find love as badly as you do! It keeps bringing you heartache so that you can finally make an adjustment.

Here are some tips for changing who you are attracted to:

1. Break bad patterns

Look for common themes in your relationships and figure out where the patterns have their roots. Do you always go for the liars or people that refuse to commit? Try to identify the underlying fear you have of actually getting close to someone. Face the fear so you can break the bad pattern.

2. Pay attention to your thoughts

Start developing awareness about your thoughts on attraction. What do you think is attractive? Why do you think those things are attractive? Have the things you have been attracted to in the past gotten you the relationship you want? If not, why are you attracted to things that hurt you? You will probably see a connection between the bad patterns you identified in step one and the thoughts you find here.

3. Match your thoughts with your wants

Make a want list. Write down what you want from a relationship. Commitment, trust, intimacy, good sex, adventure, intelligent conversation, etc. The things you think are attractive should match your want list. You won’t get everything you want from one person. But prioritize the wants that are most important and think about how amazing having those things will be. With time and practice at managing your thoughts on attraction, you will notice yourself attracted to a different type of person.

4. Get support

Hire a coach, therapist or someone to help you manage your thoughts on love. There isn’t an overnight cure. You don’t go to sleep one day looking at your want list and wake up the next day attracted to the perfect partner. Sometimes, we need a little help to get our thoughts right. In the end, you notice yourself ignoring the people that have qualities that destroy relationships and investing time in people that have qualities that match your wants.

 

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